I have a farm upbringing. There are innumerable blessings and advantages to that upbringing. We didn’t have much money and worked from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. or even midnight many many days. I first drove tractor alone when I was 8 years old. And by a couple of years later I was driving fulltime during the summer months and during the winter months often had a couple of hours of chores to do after school. Though everyone else I knew did, my parents did not have a TV until after I left home. And I did not have a cell phone, an x-box, or a wii. I usually did not see my school friends the entire summer (except for one family that attended our church). And we lived a very basic standard of living. Often crops failed in the Oklahoma Panhandle and finances were slim. My parents were committed to the Lord, were active in church, and never missed a church service. My mother led me to the Lord at the age of eight. I cannot think of a downside to that upbringing and those early years. And I would not exchange them for anyone’s of any financial standing or of any generation!
One day, when I was maybe 12 or so, I was sent out to a field to do some discing. I drove the tractor from the farmyard to the field where the disc was awaiting me. Now I was quite young and the tractor (an LA Case) had a hand clutch. Generally a grown man would push the long clutch-lever forward with his hand to engage it. Well, I was not yet strong enough to do that well. So, I often engaged it with my left foot. To stop the tractor, I could grab hold with both hands and jerk my whole body back hard enough to stop it.
This particular day, upon arriving at the field, I proceeded to back the tractor up to the disc. To do so, I had to turn around in my seat, and look back and down, while lightly pressing the clutch lever forward with my left foot. You could get the tractor to move without fully engaging the clutch in cases like this. So I was just lightly pressing it forward. And my arms were not long enough to do this while still twisting and backing up. As the tractor drawbar approached the disc hitch it eventually came to the point that I needed to stop and, while attempting to do so, I made a very large mistake. See, I knew enough from driving other vehicles to know that in most cases you press your foot down on the brake to STOP a vehicle. (Yeah, you’re getting the idea already, aren’t you?) Well as I tried to stop the tractor, I inadvertently pushed the wrong foot forward, fully engaging the clutch in reverse, and backing the tractor right up ON TOP of the disc. In a panic, I turned around, put both hands around the clutch handle and frantically pulled back disengaging the clutch and stopping the tractor. But it was too late. The tractor was now resting on top of the disc.
There I was ¾ mile from home, young, alone, crying and shaking like crazy and the tractor……….. was on top of the disc! A couple of feelings quickly came over me!
SHAME! Here I was the son of “super farmer” Robert Balzer and “I” was dumb and inept enough to do something this stupid!
FEAR! Not of my father. That was never an issue with MY father. But I wasn’t sure what all I had broken. Was the tractor ok? Was the disc ok? It was apparent the large rear tractor tires were not what I considered ok! They had big cuts in them. I knew my parents had a hard time making ends meet. And I knew those large tires would cost a lot of money!
HOPELESS! I had no idea what to do. Obviously I was not going to lift the tractor off the disc. Would I just damage things worse if I just drove it back off? Certainly the proper solution seemed way beyond my young ability and knowledge level. These thoughts and probably a thousand others went through my mind in those first few seconds. All I knew to do was… turn the tractor engine off and take off running as hard as I could for home, crying and in a panic the entire way.
I don’t recall if dad was in the farmyard or in some other field. But before long my father and I were driving up to “my farm accident” with tears still pouring down my face and a hundred “Dad, I’m so sorry’s” having already been said.
See if you know my dad! There was NEVER a chance that I was going to get yelled at or get rebuked in any way. He was just glad I wasn’t hurt. Once there, he calmly examined the situation. Started the tractor back up and drove it back off the disc. I don’t recall for sure, but knowing my father and knowing how well he knew me; I’m pretty sure we parked the tractor next to the disc, and called it a day!
Yes, there was tire damage that was the result of my error and those scars were visible for as long as I can remember us having that tractor. But the tires were still functional. And to this day some 40 + years later I am still embarrassed that I made that kind of mistake. But on that day, when I went to my father with my big mistake, he lovingly forgave me, comforted me, and made sure I knew that he loved me just as much as ever. Isn’t it awesome to have a father like that?
Now this evening as I was getting some walking exercise at our church gymnasium ,and for some reason reliving this old experience, I was thinking of how blessed I am to have such a calm, gentle, protecting, encouraging, loving father. And that did not change even when I had made such an embarrassing and stupid mistake. One that could have cost many dollars, one that could have possibly cost me my life, one that likely set us back ½ day or more in joint lost labor, one that left embarrassing physical scars on the tractor for years and was mentally engraved in my mind for 40 + years.
As I was thinking about this experience I couldn’t help but think of the “spiritual” blunders, stupidities, mistakes, and wrecks that I have made in my life. Maybe at times I have just gotten slack in my spiritual life and “pushed the wrong foot forward” so to speak. There are likely a number of times where, spiritually, I have made a really big mess and figuratively ended up with my “spiritual tractor on top of the disc.”
I feel SHAME. Here I am a child of the only true “super God” the Lord God Almighty, and I am dumb and inept enough to do something this stupid!
FEAR! Not of my Father. That is never an issue with my Heavenly Father. But I may not be sure what all my actions had damaged. What will be the cost to fix the mess my failures have made. It may be apparent that there is damage due to my error and the repair costs will be high. There are big cuts and scars. What will happen with those? Who can possibly come up with the payment to correct my big spiritual mistakes?
HOPELESS! I have no idea what to do. Certainly the proper solution is way beyond my ability and knowledge level. All I know to do is STOP the action, and take off running as hard as I can toward my Heavenly Father; tears of sorrow, shame, fear and hopelessness running down my face.
But isn’t it amazing? When I show my Heavenly Father “my spiritual accident” with eyes still full of tears and having said a hundred “Dad, I’m so sorry’s” what does He do?
See if you know my Dad! You know He is not going to yell and rebuke me. I’m already sorry and determined to not do THAT again. My Heavenly Dad just cares about me. He calmly fixes the mistake I’ve made. And then He may just say, “My son that is enough for now. Let’s call it a day.”
And yes, my spiritual mistakes (sins) have caused some damage that can only be paid for in one way. That payment method is only through the sacrificial death of God’s Son Jesus Christ. And my Father paid that price for my mistakes, no questions asked and end of story!
Now my sin may have caused physical and emotional scars that I will have to live with my entire life. But regarding the wreck and the price to fix it, I go to my Heavenly Father and say I’m so sorry. He just steps up and takes care of it. And He lovingly forgives me, and reminds me that it is all ok, and that he still loves me just the same. Isn't it awesome to have a Father like that?
But you already know that….. If You Know My Father!
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Matt. 7:11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord